The Brown Wizard - Did He Love Animals Too Much?

Mirkwood Times
Year 5 of the Fourth Age

Radagast, the Brown Wizard is one of the five wizards that came to Middle Earth many years ago. Everyone knows the tales of Gandalf and Saurman, but not too many people know of Radagast. The tales of Gandalf who helped Men save Middle-Earth have stayed here as he departed our world back to his own. Saurman’s tales are almost equally as known. He was corrupted by Sauron and led an army against the people of Rohan before he was defeated and finally destroyed years later. But, Radagast, we know very little of.

The Brown Wizard was brought over to Middle-Earth with the unique ability of being able to talk to animals. Radagast not only became close with the animals of Middle-Earth, but the flowers and other plants as well. We do not know too much about him, as he kept to himself and his tight knit group of close animals. He barely was able to do his wizardly duties because he was so caught up in the world of the animals. But, the question is: did he get too close with these animals?

Gandalf was friends with the eagles, but you didn’t see some Eagles laying eggs with Gandalf’s head on them! When it came time for the Age of Men to begin and the wizards to depart, the Brown Wizard was nowhere to be found. Why did Radagast not leave Middle-Earth when Gandalf did? He didn’t leave because he was too in love with the animals of Middle-Earth. He didn’t want to give up what he had with the animals. He had become too attached. Without further evidence, one cannot make a claim about what went on in the Mirkwood forest with Radagast. However, if someone sees some half-wizard/half-deer running around in the Mirkwood forest; don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Nazgul Attack Wrong House - Fail To Offer Apology

Early this morning in Bree, five black coated and hooded ring wraiths attacked a small house off of the main street and completely dismantled the whole house. The five Nazgûl left quickly after the attack and took nothing. Luckily the house was empty and no one was injured. However, the beds and pillows were hacked to bits.

The black riders may have gotten away with it, except after ransacking the house; they all let out a vicious scream that woke everyone in the area. When some brave souls came out of their houses, they saw the Ringwraiths ride out of town with much haste. All who heard the scream could only interpret it as a victory wail, however some historians think otherwise.

C.W. Johnson, the house owner, returned to his house from a trip to visit his mother-in-law to find it destroyed. When it was explained to him that five black riders had ransacked his house and left without explanation, he responded, “What? What kind of world do we live in that some undead kings can come and just come and destroy my house! This is ridiculous! Did they leave some place they could be reached so I can speak to my lawyer and get some compensation?”

When told that they probably could be reached in Mordor, Johnson responded, “Um, yea…I’ll probably stay here and just lock the doors next time.” Neither the mayor of Bree or Mr. Johnson are pursuing charges against the Nazgûl.

How To Tell If Your Child Is Hooked On Pipe-Weed

Pipe-weed is becoming a very large problem in cities and towns all across northern Middle Earth. Children are becoming hooked on this addictive drug which is inhaled through a pipe, from which it derives its name.
Once a symbol of old men and dwarves, pipe weed has risen in popularity over the past few years. Some area children have seen the always-cool Gandalf smoking pipe-weed, which could have raised its popularity with the ever fickle youth.
After smoking pipe-weed, children are very interested in engaging in outlandish conversations while giggling at jokes and sayings that aren’t in the least big funny. Here is where the hard part comes in for parents: when to suspect if your children are smoking pipe-weed, and when they are having a regular good time with friends without pipe-weed. First, look for the smoke. Pipe-weed has a distinctive smell that smells like a cooking fire that has had too many green leaves thrown on it. It is usually smoked through pipes, however, some enterprising children are able to create a pipe-weed pipe out of any household device including the leg of a table! Keeping pipes from your children is not enough.
Pipe-weed is a gateway drug to other more troublesome drugs such as “Orc’s Energy Drink”, known as “Glaug’s Smog”. It is brown, thick liquid that the user drinks and then feels an immediate surge of energy and vitality. But, soon the taker is forced to drink more energy drink or else face a “crash”. A crash is when the person will fall into a deep sleep for hours without knowing how long they have slept. When they wake up after imbibing, they feel worse than they have before. The only way they can feel better is to get more energy drink. This begins a dangerous cycle of addiction. Kids can start with pipe-weed, thinking it is harmless, but it leads to more dangerous drugs!
Keep a sharp eye out parents! Some children may use slang when referring to pipe-weed. They might call it “Hobbiton Hazy”, after the area where it is grown. They also might refer to “Gold Leaf”, “Old Toby” or “Partying with the little people”, which is a reference to the hobbits by which this terrible drug is made.

Struggle to Give the Dead Voting Rights

S.W.L Smithton
Gondor Daily Star-Telegram
Year 2759 of the Third Age

The dead are people too. Just because they live under Dwimorberg Mountain, doesn’t mean they don’t read the news too! An under-represented minority in this year’s political campaign is none other than the dead.
In the past, they went back on their word; will they do it again on Election Day? The reason the dead are still sentient is that they said they would fight at the side of King Isildur and then later fled to the hills. They were cursed, and when they died, their souls could not rest. What better to do while they are not resting besides update themselves on the current political climate in Minas Tirith. As they are still hanging around Dwimorberg Mountain waiting for something or someone to free them from their restless curse, they sit and wait for anyone who dares cross through the Paths of the Dead. No one who enters the Paths of the Dead have returned, included several of our political pollsters.
Some people think these old soldiers are stuck in the past, but I think they represent the rich history and tradition of Gondor. They may be from ages past, but they know the richness of the Gondor of which we want to return. They know the right way back to the Minas Tirith of old, because they have seen the decline of our region over the thousands of years that they have been in exile. They swore allegiance to Gondor, and the least they could do is contribute to the political process of Gondor.
It is time that the political process includes these men and registers them to vote. Now if we could only figure out how to get them in for Election Day without killing every man, woman and child in the city.

My Worst Job Ever: Beacon-Warden

The Minas Tirith Star Telegraph
Year 2994 of the Third Age
An editorial by S.M. Smathers

Talk about your terrible jobs! When I saw that you were running a feature on the worst jobs in The White City and all of Gondor, I could not resist the urge to send in my experience with a terrible job. Now, don't get my wrong, I love my country and would love to wipe all the terrorists from Mordor and points east straight off the map, but my old job sucked. I applied to this job named "Mordor Battle Consultant", which admittedly sounds pretty freakin' sweet. I thought I would be like a general or something. But, alas, someone *cough* Denethor *cough* thought I would be better serving the country sent high up into the mountains as a Beacon-Warden! As you all know, the job of a Beacon-Warden is to watch the beacons on either side of your beacon and if one of the beacons on either side is lit, then I would have to light my beacon. Since no one would EVER attack Rohan, I spent all my time sitting at the beacon at Min-Rimmon, staring at the beacon towards Gondor.
Each of my shifts lasted three days straight through without sleep, staring at a beacon that was leagues and leagues away. The working conditions were awful as well! I had to wrap myself in five to ten blankets, just to keep from freezing. The only source of heat I had was the beacon that I was told only to light if I saw the previous beacon lit! Talk about an impossible situation. The commute was no good either because after my three day shift, my replacement would ride up on the company horse and take my place. I would ride the (very tired) company horse back to Minas Tirith, which took the greater part of one day. Furthermore, if my commute took me through the night, I feared for my life as there have been all sorts of goblins and orcs roaming through the woods at night. Luckily, I made it out of that job alive and intact.
Now I'm a Private Insurance Consultant at Osgiliath. We'll see how that works out!

Open Letter From Project Mordor

P.G. Poppycock – Executive Director, Project Mordor

Year 87 of the Fourth Age

We here at Project Mordor believe that our beloved region of Mordor is being misrepresented in the media of all the fine lands of Middle-Earth. If it is not one scribe in the Rohan Times calling it “desolate”, it is another from the Bree Business Ledger calling Sauron’s former region a “land of complete evil”. Now, this is a case of perception. Sure, a place will look evil and desolate when you see a picture in which a volcano is erupting AND there is a thunderstorm at the same time. (ed note: as witnessed above). All the scribes from outside Mordor have never even been to Mordor themselves. How can these reporters from the North and East think that they can write “factual” reports without even setting foot in the region they are reporting on! It’s simply bad journalism. They didn’t even try to ask Frodo Four-Fingers. They say he has vanished from Middle-Earth! Impossible! Now, I know they are lying! Their other reports are generated from rumors and lies. They say that the traffic outside the gates is unbearable while the line of carriages and other travelers wait until the gate gets opened. But, where is the traffic any good during rush hours! People are standing head to tail for miles from the Southlands to with Shire. The gates are a beautiful relic of days long lost and it is worth the few extra moments to breathe in the view.

Mordor is an up and coming (gated!) community, with low income and property taxes. We have many new construction homes available starting now. All of our new houses are within commuting distance of Minas Tirith and the new Minas Ithil. The temperature is a balmy 85 degrees at all times, without the sun ever coming out from behind the clouds! You get the advantage of the warm temperature without the risk of skin cancer.

Sauron was the most powerful being in Middle Earth. Does it not stand to reason that he would take the most desirable land as his own? Now that Sauron is vanquished, consider making Mordor a home of your own in Middle-Earth.